3 Key Reasons Why Gujaratis are a Nuisance

Deeply disturbed by the incessant sharing and relentless re-sharing of  posts like "10 Reasons Why Gujjus are the Best People on Earth!", I bring to you, as I must, the counter points.

Dear Gujaratis, enough of your self-aggrandizing and megalomania on the internet.

1. Travel Nuisance:

Gujaratis, specially on holidays, travel in herds. Sadly, Indian Railways and IRCTC do not exist for exclusive use of Gujjus, and there's a cap on number of tickets you can book in one go. Result is berths scattered across coaches. But what to do? No matter how many we are, we HAVE to travel together, according to Article 37, Para 2 (b) of the Constitution of India.

God help you if you are traveling alone on a line that remotely touches a popular holiday destination. Large, large groups of Gujjus will storm into your trains, and once they are done arranging their 18 tonnes of luggage ( 70% food, 30% utilities is the thumb rule), they will maraud from coach to coach, looking for those who are "single" - Gujju for traveling alone - and coax you for your berth because you know "Ame badha group ma che" and there are "laddies and nana chokra" and the classic "saathe jamvama takleef padse". You change your berth, often twice or thrice, and still find yourself in company of Gujjus.

It's late night, and you want to sleep. But you can't because Gujju ladies around are talking (loudly of course) about all the snacks they prepared and packed for this trip, the difficulties they faced while making them, arguments and counter arguments on the correct recipes, in between lambasting children to stop running around and finish their food.

Wait, your ordeal isn't over.

Not yet.

Some uncle in the group has his b'day tomorrow. The clock strikes twelve. You are in the clutches of sleep.

A voice booms nearby "Ae halo, utho! Dilip bhai no budday celebrate karvano he!"

And then there are celebrations, complete with the cake, the singing (happy budday to you followed by tum jiyo hajaro saal), and the clapping.

At midnight. In a moving train.

By the time your journey comes to an end, the coach smells like a restaurant's unventilated kitchen, its air heavy with the smell of thepla, dhokla, pickles, three types of fruit and on bad days, a half eaten cake.

Somewhere in the air , there's also the smoke of your AC ticket money burnt to ashes, and your rage.

2. Eating Out Nuisance:

Gujaratis are vegetarian*

*Terms and Conditions are generally different permutations and combinations of the below:

a) No onions

b) No garlic

c) No onions AND garlic ("delicious" snacks are exempt)

d) No onions and garlic and potatoes and beetroot and everything that grows under the soil (except in samosa, sometimes)

 e) Restaurant should be 100% pure veg.

f) Veg plus Non Veg eateries won't do because *wide eyes, horror* they might be using the same spoons and vessels to cook both. SO WHAT THEY ARE WASHED. ANIMAL FLESH IS IMMUNE TO WATER AND SOAP YOU EMBODIMENT OF BLASPHEMY. McDonald's though is exempt, mostly.

Result is, eating options for Gujaratis are severely limited in places outside in Gujarat and in a multi-cultural group. So while you are out to eat with your bunch of friends and order a round of drinks with chilly chicken to go, the gujarati across the table stares nervously, and you tell the waiter - "ek pepsi aur french fries add kar do"

"Err..French fries ki jagah peanut masala kar do..pyaaz mat daalna".

"French Fries me aaloo..."

Thus, every dinner outing involving Gujjus, considerable time is spent fretting over the place to go and food to eat. What if the eatery cooks veg and non-veg meals in the same kitchen? What if there are no no onion-no garlic dishes? What if people at adjacent table order chicken..or god forbid, fish?

We Gujjus are the odd ones out, a minority for which special provisions are to be made.And comments on B school forums and caste-centered op-eds will tell you, no majority likes to make special provisions for the minority.

3. Festival Nuisance:

Makar Sankranti is the first festival every new calendar year. While people across the country mark the beginning of harvest season, bathe in holy rivers, visit their near and dear ones, visit temples to perform religious ceremonies, Gujjus are slightly more traditional and understated in their celebrations of Uttarayana.

As sun rises on 14th of January, a Gujarati rises to his terrace, armed with a bunch of kites and bulky spool of string, tiny shreds of glass in it glinting in  morning sun. Soon enough, the latest item song played at full blast rends the air. The entire city is on its terraces, water tanks, balconies - engaged in fierce kite battles, shrill war cries of lapppppeeeetttt and hooting and whistling and bollywood music all around. Drowned somewhere in all the din and bustle is a desperate flutter of terrified birds.

The sun sets and it is too dark to fly kites. But, WE ARE GUJARATIS AND THIS IS GUJARAT AND THE PARTY IS STILL ON! So we light chinese balloons and dispatch  them from the top of our terraces. So what if they might cause fire somewhere and result in huge losses? They make for great facebook pictures!

And how do we cap a day of excellent kite flying and bird slaughter? Fire crackers, of course! Gujaratis are too rich to buy fire crackers just for Diwali, and the chinese-lantern-lighting-potential-facebook-profile-pic-clicking ritual is followed by a round of lighting all fire-crackers from bombs to rockets right up there in the terraces. The force of explosion shakes buildings and rockets might fly off course to injure someone... but - tu jalsa kar ne yaar!


Navaratri (Rest of India) - a festival to worship nine forms of Goddess Shakti
Navaratri (Gujarat) - Worship? LOL. Chalo garba ramva! Also, dandiya!

Who has the time and the energy and importantly, the money to celebrate a festival nine days at a stretch? Right, Gujjus. A Gujarati's preparation for Navaratri can only be rivaled by a Bihari's preparation for UPSC exams. Such are the stakes. Gujaratis pay their obeisances to the Goddess of Shakti by dancing around in circles, for hours together, to songs that go - yaad piya ki aane lagi, haay bheegi bheegi raaton mein...played at loud, loud volumes.

Make no mistake, Navaratri in Gujarat is a visual treat but an acoustic pain.

Following nine nights of revelry, Gujjus celebrate Dusshera - the historic victory of Lord Rama over king Ravana, a victory of good over evil, of truth over falsehood - by gorging  on fafda-jalebi. What is the relevance of fafda-jalebi to Lord Rama's victory? Did Lord Rama and his Vaanar Sena have fafda-jalebi for breakfast in Lanka the day they finally decimated Raavan? Or is it a Supreme Court directive?  Never mind. In Gujarat, Jai Shri Ram is Jai Shri *burps* Ram.

Gujjus burst crackers on Uttarayan evening. So you can imagine the level of celebrations on Diwali. The peculiar thing about Diwali in Gujarat is, it isn't a one day or two day affair. It lasts for an entire week. The entire place comes to a virtual standstill.

Why?

"DON'T YOU DARE ASK WHY. WE ARE GUJARATIS AND THIS IS GUJARAT. WE ARE THE KINGS OF BUSINESS. WE ARE THE CREATORS OF WEALTH. WE ADD MORE TO THE GDP IN ONE YEAR THAN YOU DO IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. SO WE CAN TAKE A WEEK OFF FOR A ONE DAY FESTIVAL, OKAY?

Also, END THIS POST ALREADY! WE ARE FASTEST GROWING STATE ON EARTH. WE ARE DEVELOPMENT. WE ARE 24*7 ELECTRICITY. WE ARE ROADS. WE ARE CUTE. WE LOVE FOOD. WE ARE MATHS WIZARDS.

NARENDRA MODI IS A GUJARATI!"- Gujjus