Facebook Timeline of a B-schooler

Aravind Adiga in his brilliant second novel 'Last Man in Tower' writes that a dustbin tells the story of a household; its contents emptied every morning reveal the preceding day's activities. Years of technology, internet penetration and self-aggrandizement later, Facebook timeline is the modern day's dustbin.

With the exception of Subramanium Swamy, no one's Facebook TL follows a more predictable pattern than a B-schooler's - that supreme dispenser of gyaan, that inexhaustible reservoir of fundas, or as many a B-school's websites say, perhaps sardonically, 'thought leader of tomorrow'.

98.93
97.36

99.09

A blue-blooded B-schooler's facebook glory begins long before the academic year. Sometime in January, on a cold midnight, as the world sleeps, engineers and TCS-Infy coders awake to life and freedom. The numbers above would appear meaningless to an untrained eye. But to the largely discerning crowd, the message implicit in three numbers is loud and clear, sparking a torrent of congratulatory messages. In between, the B-schooler rues 'VA is a bitch', presents a detailed track record of mock scores, and concludes - 'Fuck Normalization!' 

<Enter B-school's acronym> it is.

Sometime in April-May, the public declaration is made. There'll be creativity as well; clever use of the school's name and symbols.

'Time to live life XL size!'

'Joka calling :)'

And the indigenous ivy-league, hallowed old IIMs do not warrant much deliberation.

'Finally, B'.

Of late, with the proliferation of awards and award shows, a new trend seems to be emerging. Facebook isn't just the new dustbin. Facebook is the new podium to deliver elaborate thank-you speeches. As the coveted call letter reaches the shores of mail inbox after a long and arduous journey in the seas of entrance exams, boisterous GDs and grueling PIs, the occasion calls for a 200 word thank you speech. The almost-there B schooler thanks his parents, friends, faculty at the coaching centre, benign normalization and fate. The religious amongst them also thank God, 'above all'.

First year begins. Education and location tabs of facebook profile are duly updated. The cover pic changes to a DSLR clicked image of red-brick buildings, surrounded by tall trees and lush gardens in early morning glory. Or the front gate with the school's name plastered across.

Early days of all new human endeavors are heady. And early days of first year see a flurry of activity on the B-schooler's TL.

'4 days and just 10 hours of sleep. Hahaha. This is insane!'

'Insomniac already. MBA has well and truly begun.'

The marketing enthusiasts enamored by Philip Kotler's theories and enchanted by popular advertising campaigns liberally share links.

'This is mind-blowing guerilla marketing from Unilever! Totally flanking P&G's frontal attack on its competitive advantage. The FMCG war continues...'

'No words to describe this. The collection of best ads ever...'

Meanwhile the finance guys vociferously dissect everything from happenings in global financial markets to RBI's monetary policy.

'Insightful op-ed in Business Standard. Core Inflation continues to remain within control. Totally beats me why Raghuram Rajan just doesn't go the Keynesian way and reduce interest rates.'

'Hmm. Interesting article this. Recent empirical data from emerging markets busts the long-held view that gold and equity markets move in opposite directions. Do read'

They say in life, two things are inevitable - death and taxes. In an MBA's life, it's four - death, taxes, EMIs and  facebook DP in a suit. An MBA student's suited DP announces his arrival at the altar of management in the glass and steel corporate world (Preferably front-end and middle level, with a dash of strategy). You will transform organizations, move markets, and change the world - provided you put on a suit and tie on starched white shirt. The suited facebook DP is a highlight of the B school stint and surely amongst the landmark facebook pictures like class II group photo, wedding day click, newborn's picture and the greatest of 'em all - selfie in front of a washroom mirror. This suited DP lingers on the TL for weeks together as friends and family and Farmville buddies lap it up, pouring compliments upon compliments, and long lost friends-acquaintances-strangers extend greetings for a successful future. This latter crowd is that section of your fb following which becomes active only on landmark events. The next time they'll like/comment on your fb post, it'll be when you upload a picture from your wedding album. Inevitably, suited DP is one of t he B-schooler's highest grossing posts.

In what are ominous signs of the future, as the MBA student moves ahead in his journey of becoming a 'manager', the facebook posts turn bossy and irritating.

Courtesy: www.reckontalk.com

Cutting-edge research is an absolute must to gather deep insights into contemporary marketing problems of FMCG-FMCD giants operating in India that the B-schooler seeks to address in trim-end projects. And what better platform to conduct a market research spanning across diverse age groups and socioeconomic classes than your facebook timeline? That strong community built from long years in school, coaching classes, engineering colleges and candy crush. Thus the thought leader of  tomorrow broadcasts google forms on the screens of 1167 fb friends, exhorting them to fill in responses.

'Hi, plz fill this google form on Fastrack. It is important for a marketing project i am working on. Won't take more than 2 mins of your time! Promise! Thanks ;)'

And then there are emotional appeals...

'I have duly filled *each and every* Google form shared. Please return the favour and fill this form on behavior of premium packaged food consumers'

To quote Adiga from Last Man in Tower again, 'Any good society survives on a circulation of favours'.

Charity begins at home, and promotion of college events starts from facebook TL for consumption of friends and family.

<Enter B-school Name>

Presents

In Partnership with

<Enter a free-coupon startup>

The Flagship Marketing Event of

<Enter a random Sanskrit word>

<Enter a permutation and combination of mar/mark/market with sutra/yudh/shastra/vista/smart>

 IS THE MARKETER IN YOU READY FOR THE GREATEST MARKETING CHALLENGE EVER??

 Prizes Worth 500000 to be Won!!

Register Now

A key part of most B-school events are competitions that challenge MBA students to think out of the box and come up with disruptive solutions to real world problems. There are competitions on next-generation digital marketing, and then competitions on creating powerful marketing communications. So many different competitions, one judging criteria - number of 'likes' and 'shares' on a picture, poster or video. 

And again, the hapless B-schooler turns to facebook.

'Hi! Our entry for 'The Next KRK of Marketing', the flagship marketing event of IIM Benaras. Please like and share and help us win!!'

Now, 'liking' this entry is an arduous task that involves wading through multiple links, 'liking' facebook page of the college, facebook page of the event sponsor and facebook page of the college's marketing club in order to arrive at the facebook page of that particular competition where, upon hitting the like button, you'll be redirected, God be merciful, to your friend's entry, for the 'like' that will be eventually counted.

Naturally, people take the easy way out and 'like' the facebook post instead, inviting the friend's ire.

'Guys do not like this post! *Go to the link* and like our entry! Team name: Dark Horses on Fire'

Soon enough, the B-schooler realizes it isn't working, and makes tactical changes in his bid to win the competition and conquer the ever-expanding marketing horizons as its poster stated. It is time to go direct. Where facebook timeline fails, free personal messaging succeeds. Thus, all and sundry 'active' on facebook chat and a thousand Whatsapp groups are pinged with the 'like and share' request.

The two years that an MBA student spends at college is marked by a spate of life-changing and earth-shattering landmark events - like presenting with the project group one last time before moving into second year. This occasion marks the end of an year of making atrocious PPTs stuffed with the most banal of SWOT analyses and BCG matrices - 'inspired' from cringe-worthy slideshare presentations -  that tortured audience members more than a loop Himesh Reshammiya songs on full blast. And thus, the august occasion deserves to be commemorated on facebook with a group pic and caption:

'Last presentation with Group 17, Division W. We came, we presented, we put them to sleep!'

Next up in the list of landmark events is, of course, Summer Internship.The irony is lost on the freshly minted interns as they post 'Started working at' updates on April Fools' Day. The facebook news feed undergoes a metamorphosis into LinkedIn for a couple of days.

'Started working at XYZ as an intern. Game On!'

Working intern? That's an oxymoron, boss.

Second year of B school, as it progresses, sees steep declines in the levels of academic rigor. The rigor translates into binge watching of Game of Thrones episodes and an 18th century racist American soap called 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S'. Facebook in the second year records multiple check ins at popular hang out zones within and on the outskirts of the city.

'Love the Pav Bhaji!' #Foodie #Connoisseur *Checked in at Juhu Beach*

'Not all those who wander are lost' #Travel #Explore *Checked in at Tiger Point, Lonavala*

The juggernaut of Google forms and like and share requests continues unabated for the two years. So does the juggernaut of pictures - pictures that have MBA student written all over them. An indicative list follows:

• Suited up, looking into the distance and speaking nothing in particular to a captive audience in a dimly lit seminar hall
• Suited up, beaming and showing certificates of merit at competitions
• Suited up, beaming and showing degree certificate in a convocation dress
• Suited up, beaming for no discernible reason
• Goa in Christmas week
• Goa after year-end exams and before summer internship
• Goa after summer internship
• Goa after final placements and before convocation
• Goa after convocation
• And of course, like their brethren, selfies on random occasions

Finally, as two years draw to a close, the fresh graduate posts a string of updates to mark Convocation. The posts could vary from a two-three para emotional downpour on making friends, facing challenges, struggling to clear GDs or abstract one-liners borrowed from top ranking search results on Google. Or they could be elaborate thank you speeches delivered from an imaginary podium, like the one delivered on getting an admit. And of course there are the convocation pics that chronicle the journey from getting dressed, getting dressed and putting on the robe, getting dressed and putting on the robe and the hat, receiving the degree certificate, throwing the hat in the air, one with project group, one with fellow members of the cell, one with fellow members of the division, one with BFFs, one with parents, one with a random set of people because frankly there can't be enough convocation pics and the mandatory pic - a mirror selfie.

#Convocated

Are we done, finally?

No.

Adios college! Time now to embark on a new journey. In a new city. In a new job. In a new office. At a new CTC. Under a new boss. At new tax slabs. #ToNewBeginnings